Session Two

I had another session today. I was in a really humorous mood on my way to Mary-Ann's office. Sometimes I laugh out loud while I drive. If my two beautiful sons are in the car and I am laughing they want to know why. Last time it was because I was listening to The Modern Lovers. There's a part in the song that instinctivly asks for a wailing guitar solo. Instead the guitar is just lightly plucking a string. It's funny to me. Thanks Jonathan...

Anyway, in Mary-Ann's office we talk about present day stuff and start the EMDR. It took me a while to get into it this time. I think I was paying attention to my reactions too much. I also have a few trust issues with being so vulnerable in front of another human being. After all we are dealing with my deeper brain, inner child, baggage and shame.

The image of my parents fighting in session one was still the same. My belief that "I only deserve bad things" was there too. I asked her about this before we started as after I did my 4th and 5th step I became aware of these false beliefs and found that they were based on nothing I ever did. (then again they inspired me to do some fucked up shit as an adult).

So I start getting into the session. I am a little boy in my bed watching my parents smack each other around. It wasn't as dramatic this time. I did feel some fear. At one of the check in points my couselor asks where I am at. I said I am mad at Ginger ( my soon to be X wife) What I remember as the session progressed I was able to walk around my childhood room. I focused on my father.

My fathers been dead 22 years. I have one underexposed picture of him. He didn't like cameras. So in the session I focused on him for a while. As it went on I left my bedroom. The master bedroom was across the hall. The second target I have for EMDR was an incident where my sister had a big ugly hunting knife to my mother's neck. My sister was standing behind my mother with a crazed look as my mother said "______ CALL THE POLICE ! " I think in real life I called the police in a detached Lisa Simpson sort of way. "yeah, it's me again. yup send a car over, maybe two. My sister has my mother at knife point.."

So my counselor checks in with me. I told her I am watching this and don't know if I should go in the room. I teel her I am feeling alot of fear in my chest but am going through it. I am actually riding the beam of light from The Universe, cutting though all the shit. I sort of envisioned myself that I was in a videogame hunting down traumatic memories to dissolve with my EMDR powers. She says to go in if I want. (I was worried about our session being over in 15 minutes). At one point I become my youngest son looking at this fucked up scene. I was about his age when this shit went down. I was trying to empathize more deeply.
I look around the master bedroom with my mother at knifepoint. I see pills on the fround and my fathers gross old robe on the ground. I think in real life there was a smashed bottle of cough syrup everywhere.

As trhe session closed Mary-Ann asked me if the belief "I only deserve bad things" was still relevant. I was laughing and said my false beleif was " I only deserve crazy women". I also told her of an incident I had with a knife that occured while I was blacked out on drugs.

I left the session in a good mood again. Called my sponsor and asked him if he had any good recipies for Hooch (alcoholic drink they make in jail.) I requested an amber ale, if possible...

Went home and helped my son work on his bicycle. Afterwards I had a smoke outside and thought of my parents fighting. The image seems more ditant. Like it's a TV in a neighbors window. I have to squint mentally to see it.