Session Three

Another session with Mary-Ann today. This one was a 90 minute so we didn't have to rush.
When I walked into her office she had the mysterious black bag with the EMDR pong beeper out. It reminded me of getting ready for punishment. When a parent would get the belt out for a spanking or going to the doctors to get a shot.

I ended up enjoying the session today. It really is like turbo-meditation. We started with the target of my parents fucking shit up in my room when I was small. She asked me to judge my body's reaction to the memory. I gave her a 1.25 on the scale. The beeps started and I was back in the room. The memory really didn't bother me. I started to walk out of my room to see my father dragging my sister down the hall. When Mary-Ann checked in with me she guided me back to the original memory. I guess I got bored with that one.

I let my mind wander. There were some issues with my soon to be ex-wife that came up. I 'll leave the details to the fact that it was just part of letting go. Mary-Ann checked in with me on how my body felt. I told her I felt a block in my stomach that I couldn't get through. I felt some sadness come up which I related to the loss of my marriage.

I have known my STBX for almost 18 years. I know her core. I don't think too much of it has seen the light of day but I know it's there. Unfoutunatley so is her damage, which I can't be around ever again. Part of the forgiving process. If she could she would but she can't and that is what is.

Back to January when I had that awakening. I instinctivley started meditation on a daily basis. I actually did it every chance I could get if I was home or in my car. Anyway, I felt a block in my heart area. If some one was to look at me through the window I would look like I was having a heart attack. I could feel the hardness in my heart and would punch it in hope to break it up. It slowly went away with activities such as walking through the woods crying for the people I had hurt, apologizing directly to someone I had hurt and just trying to work it through. It really loosened up after I did my 5th step with my sponsors. I saw the color green while I meditated that night.

Back to the EMDR session. I explored the block in my stomach. Part of what came out was a self doubt I have. I am the custodial parent of my kids. The money had been tough lately and the mortage and bills are late. I felt the fear of this and the block that makes me feel like I can't support them. There is nothing stopping me but this fear. Not sure where it is from but it is there. Some sadness also came up because my marriage is over.


As the session went on Mary-Ann asked me to describe how I was feeling. I told her there was a connection with my stomach, heart and forehead. The shape was like a disfigured upsidedown letter "J". I was working to push the energy down my body and into my feet. I saw the Rollins Band play live a few times. Henry Rollins always played with his shoes off. He said something that I interpreted as him keeping the energy grounded. My X, who works as a landscaper, talked about people being in touch with the Earth.

Mary Anne told me to let the feelings go their own path. To keep it short, I had the energy thing all wrong. It is supposed to go up not down. Thats what I have been doing my whole life ! Pushing it down so it wouldn't go to my heart and head. It ended coming up anyway at the wrong times gosh darnnit. I could understand that the shit rose up, affected my heart (love) and my head (thoughts). Maybe I built the walls around my heart to protect it from this shit.

Anyway, I let it flow up and out and the feelings seemed to flow out faster. I was doing the shit wrong because I never learned to do it right.

I went back into EMDR land and let the feelings rise. Next I found another block. This one was full of loneliness and isolation. It was like a cold dark round room. This must have come from my parents fighting and me feeling unsafe, abandoned and isolated. I told Mary-Ann that this is a feeling I have been carrying around all my life. I let it rise.

Now scanning my body I felt my groin I could feel the tingling. It wasn't erotic but somewhat sexual but not lustfull. I could feel the "j" shape starting at my groin and going up and out.

This session was very relaxing. When it was time to close down I really didn't need the safe place as I felt good. It was a bit like inhaling the gas from a can of whipped cream. The safe place I was using was my SBX-wife's cat. I have used the cat to ditract myself when getting fillings. She's a great cat. I think I am more sad about loosing the cat than my wife.