Session Four

This is going to be short as I am tired.

We started the session with EMDR audio, Mary-Ann asked me about my reaction to the target of my parents fighting. I said it was small but could also feel the other stuff it was attached to.

This session brought up alot of stuff that wasn't related directly. I felt a huge block in my gut that was like a cold wet ball of sadness. I tried to get it out/ At first I felt like crying but didn't. As the session went on I felt very frustrated that I couldn't cry it out. It brought up symphonies of crappy mental noise. I sw alot of blue and purples. At one point I saw colors that looked like the sun poking out of a lunar eclipse.

As the frustration grew because I couldn't get the block out I felt alot of deep self hatred. My body got very cold and felt wet. I don't know if I was feeling the poisions from the 5 camels I smoked on the ride in or my processed veggie burger (kind of a oxymoron). It brought up the feelings I had when I felt like killing myself back in the teen to early twenties. I told her I was feeling the worse part of me. Alot of frustration, anxiety, anger and sadness. Maybe I was feeling all the crap that protects me from the sadness.

I felt like shit as the session was ending. Like nothing was accomplished. Mary-Ann said it sounded like I was half way across a circle, so I must be at the bottom. It's about 7 hours later and I feel OK. Had a good afternoon with my family. I still have this feeling of failure to deal with but it's just a feeling as I know that I don't suck because I am working my ass off on getting rid of this deep rooted shit.

I did laugh a couple of times. At one point I felt like I climbed down my throught and into my body. I thought it was funny that there was so much crap in there. I felt like I was dumpster diving in a grotesque, slimy and rancid container.

What a trip this EMDR stuff is. Maybe they should have it at parties.