Its been over a year now. EMDR is kind of a skill to me. I have to get warmed up at the start of each session. Sometimes the session will be dramatic and sometimes I know my body and mind are working and to stay out.
I can feel the streams of bad energy flow out of me and usually leaves me with some answers. My latest target is my sister holding a knife to my mother's throught. This happened while I was in early grade school. The main message was there was nobody safe in my life at the time. i did call the police but they did little back then. It's all about powerlessness and being helpless.
There was alot of energy stored in my throught area that came out. the part of us that needs to speak. It felt like I was beeing choked. the therapist ask where the energy wanted to go. I opened my mouth and was breathing out bad vibes. At another point in the session it felt like it was coming out of my left eye. This session was more physical than mental.
I can feel when its time to end the session so I am not left in a bad place for the week. I started to wind down. I felt a tingling coming up from my groin and pulled the headphones off and stopped there.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Monday, September 24, 2007
Session Four
This is going to be short as I am tired.
We started the session with EMDR audio, Mary-Ann asked me about my reaction to the target of my parents fighting. I said it was small but could also feel the other stuff it was attached to.
This session brought up alot of stuff that wasn't related directly. I felt a huge block in my gut that was like a cold wet ball of sadness. I tried to get it out/ At first I felt like crying but didn't. As the session went on I felt very frustrated that I couldn't cry it out. It brought up symphonies of crappy mental noise. I sw alot of blue and purples. At one point I saw colors that looked like the sun poking out of a lunar eclipse.
As the frustration grew because I couldn't get the block out I felt alot of deep self hatred. My body got very cold and felt wet. I don't know if I was feeling the poisions from the 5 camels I smoked on the ride in or my processed veggie burger (kind of a oxymoron). It brought up the feelings I had when I felt like killing myself back in the teen to early twenties. I told her I was feeling the worse part of me. Alot of frustration, anxiety, anger and sadness. Maybe I was feeling all the crap that protects me from the sadness.
I felt like shit as the session was ending. Like nothing was accomplished. Mary-Ann said it sounded like I was half way across a circle, so I must be at the bottom. It's about 7 hours later and I feel OK. Had a good afternoon with my family. I still have this feeling of failure to deal with but it's just a feeling as I know that I don't suck because I am working my ass off on getting rid of this deep rooted shit.
I did laugh a couple of times. At one point I felt like I climbed down my throught and into my body. I thought it was funny that there was so much crap in there. I felt like I was dumpster diving in a grotesque, slimy and rancid container.
What a trip this EMDR stuff is. Maybe they should have it at parties.
We started the session with EMDR audio, Mary-Ann asked me about my reaction to the target of my parents fighting. I said it was small but could also feel the other stuff it was attached to.
This session brought up alot of stuff that wasn't related directly. I felt a huge block in my gut that was like a cold wet ball of sadness. I tried to get it out/ At first I felt like crying but didn't. As the session went on I felt very frustrated that I couldn't cry it out. It brought up symphonies of crappy mental noise. I sw alot of blue and purples. At one point I saw colors that looked like the sun poking out of a lunar eclipse.
As the frustration grew because I couldn't get the block out I felt alot of deep self hatred. My body got very cold and felt wet. I don't know if I was feeling the poisions from the 5 camels I smoked on the ride in or my processed veggie burger (kind of a oxymoron). It brought up the feelings I had when I felt like killing myself back in the teen to early twenties. I told her I was feeling the worse part of me. Alot of frustration, anxiety, anger and sadness. Maybe I was feeling all the crap that protects me from the sadness.
I felt like shit as the session was ending. Like nothing was accomplished. Mary-Ann said it sounded like I was half way across a circle, so I must be at the bottom. It's about 7 hours later and I feel OK. Had a good afternoon with my family. I still have this feeling of failure to deal with but it's just a feeling as I know that I don't suck because I am working my ass off on getting rid of this deep rooted shit.
I did laugh a couple of times. At one point I felt like I climbed down my throught and into my body. I thought it was funny that there was so much crap in there. I felt like I was dumpster diving in a grotesque, slimy and rancid container.
What a trip this EMDR stuff is. Maybe they should have it at parties.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Session Three
Another session with Mary-Ann today. This one was a 90 minute so we didn't have to rush.
When I walked into her office she had the mysterious black bag with the EMDR pong beeper out. It reminded me of getting ready for punishment. When a parent would get the belt out for a spanking or going to the doctors to get a shot.
I ended up enjoying the session today. It really is like turbo-meditation. We started with the target of my parents fucking shit up in my room when I was small. She asked me to judge my body's reaction to the memory. I gave her a 1.25 on the scale. The beeps started and I was back in the room. The memory really didn't bother me. I started to walk out of my room to see my father dragging my sister down the hall. When Mary-Ann checked in with me she guided me back to the original memory. I guess I got bored with that one.
I let my mind wander. There were some issues with my soon to be ex-wife that came up. I 'll leave the details to the fact that it was just part of letting go. Mary-Ann checked in with me on how my body felt. I told her I felt a block in my stomach that I couldn't get through. I felt some sadness come up which I related to the loss of my marriage.
I have known my STBX for almost 18 years. I know her core. I don't think too much of it has seen the light of day but I know it's there. Unfoutunatley so is her damage, which I can't be around ever again. Part of the forgiving process. If she could she would but she can't and that is what is.
Back to January when I had that awakening. I instinctivley started meditation on a daily basis. I actually did it every chance I could get if I was home or in my car. Anyway, I felt a block in my heart area. If some one was to look at me through the window I would look like I was having a heart attack. I could feel the hardness in my heart and would punch it in hope to break it up. It slowly went away with activities such as walking through the woods crying for the people I had hurt, apologizing directly to someone I had hurt and just trying to work it through. It really loosened up after I did my 5th step with my sponsors. I saw the color green while I meditated that night.
Back to the EMDR session. I explored the block in my stomach. Part of what came out was a self doubt I have. I am the custodial parent of my kids. The money had been tough lately and the mortage and bills are late. I felt the fear of this and the block that makes me feel like I can't support them. There is nothing stopping me but this fear. Not sure where it is from but it is there. Some sadness also came up because my marriage is over.
As the session went on Mary-Ann asked me to describe how I was feeling. I told her there was a connection with my stomach, heart and forehead. The shape was like a disfigured upsidedown letter "J". I was working to push the energy down my body and into my feet. I saw the Rollins Band play live a few times. Henry Rollins always played with his shoes off. He said something that I interpreted as him keeping the energy grounded. My X, who works as a landscaper, talked about people being in touch with the Earth.
Mary Anne told me to let the feelings go their own path. To keep it short, I had the energy thing all wrong. It is supposed to go up not down. Thats what I have been doing my whole life ! Pushing it down so it wouldn't go to my heart and head. It ended coming up anyway at the wrong times gosh darnnit. I could understand that the shit rose up, affected my heart (love) and my head (thoughts). Maybe I built the walls around my heart to protect it from this shit.
Anyway, I let it flow up and out and the feelings seemed to flow out faster. I was doing the shit wrong because I never learned to do it right.
I went back into EMDR land and let the feelings rise. Next I found another block. This one was full of loneliness and isolation. It was like a cold dark round room. This must have come from my parents fighting and me feeling unsafe, abandoned and isolated. I told Mary-Ann that this is a feeling I have been carrying around all my life. I let it rise.
Now scanning my body I felt my groin I could feel the tingling. It wasn't erotic but somewhat sexual but not lustfull. I could feel the "j" shape starting at my groin and going up and out.
This session was very relaxing. When it was time to close down I really didn't need the safe place as I felt good. It was a bit like inhaling the gas from a can of whipped cream. The safe place I was using was my SBX-wife's cat. I have used the cat to ditract myself when getting fillings. She's a great cat. I think I am more sad about loosing the cat than my wife.
When I walked into her office she had the mysterious black bag with the EMDR pong beeper out. It reminded me of getting ready for punishment. When a parent would get the belt out for a spanking or going to the doctors to get a shot.
I ended up enjoying the session today. It really is like turbo-meditation. We started with the target of my parents fucking shit up in my room when I was small. She asked me to judge my body's reaction to the memory. I gave her a 1.25 on the scale. The beeps started and I was back in the room. The memory really didn't bother me. I started to walk out of my room to see my father dragging my sister down the hall. When Mary-Ann checked in with me she guided me back to the original memory. I guess I got bored with that one.
I let my mind wander. There were some issues with my soon to be ex-wife that came up. I 'll leave the details to the fact that it was just part of letting go. Mary-Ann checked in with me on how my body felt. I told her I felt a block in my stomach that I couldn't get through. I felt some sadness come up which I related to the loss of my marriage.
I have known my STBX for almost 18 years. I know her core. I don't think too much of it has seen the light of day but I know it's there. Unfoutunatley so is her damage, which I can't be around ever again. Part of the forgiving process. If she could she would but she can't and that is what is.
Back to January when I had that awakening. I instinctivley started meditation on a daily basis. I actually did it every chance I could get if I was home or in my car. Anyway, I felt a block in my heart area. If some one was to look at me through the window I would look like I was having a heart attack. I could feel the hardness in my heart and would punch it in hope to break it up. It slowly went away with activities such as walking through the woods crying for the people I had hurt, apologizing directly to someone I had hurt and just trying to work it through. It really loosened up after I did my 5th step with my sponsors. I saw the color green while I meditated that night.
Back to the EMDR session. I explored the block in my stomach. Part of what came out was a self doubt I have. I am the custodial parent of my kids. The money had been tough lately and the mortage and bills are late. I felt the fear of this and the block that makes me feel like I can't support them. There is nothing stopping me but this fear. Not sure where it is from but it is there. Some sadness also came up because my marriage is over.
As the session went on Mary-Ann asked me to describe how I was feeling. I told her there was a connection with my stomach, heart and forehead. The shape was like a disfigured upsidedown letter "J". I was working to push the energy down my body and into my feet. I saw the Rollins Band play live a few times. Henry Rollins always played with his shoes off. He said something that I interpreted as him keeping the energy grounded. My X, who works as a landscaper, talked about people being in touch with the Earth.
Mary Anne told me to let the feelings go their own path. To keep it short, I had the energy thing all wrong. It is supposed to go up not down. Thats what I have been doing my whole life ! Pushing it down so it wouldn't go to my heart and head. It ended coming up anyway at the wrong times gosh darnnit. I could understand that the shit rose up, affected my heart (love) and my head (thoughts). Maybe I built the walls around my heart to protect it from this shit.
Anyway, I let it flow up and out and the feelings seemed to flow out faster. I was doing the shit wrong because I never learned to do it right.
I went back into EMDR land and let the feelings rise. Next I found another block. This one was full of loneliness and isolation. It was like a cold dark round room. This must have come from my parents fighting and me feeling unsafe, abandoned and isolated. I told Mary-Ann that this is a feeling I have been carrying around all my life. I let it rise.
Now scanning my body I felt my groin I could feel the tingling. It wasn't erotic but somewhat sexual but not lustfull. I could feel the "j" shape starting at my groin and going up and out.
This session was very relaxing. When it was time to close down I really didn't need the safe place as I felt good. It was a bit like inhaling the gas from a can of whipped cream. The safe place I was using was my SBX-wife's cat. I have used the cat to ditract myself when getting fillings. She's a great cat. I think I am more sad about loosing the cat than my wife.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Session Two
I had another session today. I was in a really humorous mood on my way to Mary-Ann's office. Sometimes I laugh out loud while I drive. If my two beautiful sons are in the car and I am laughing they want to know why. Last time it was because I was listening to The Modern Lovers. There's a part in the song that instinctivly asks for a wailing guitar solo. Instead the guitar is just lightly plucking a string. It's funny to me. Thanks Jonathan...
Anyway, in Mary-Ann's office we talk about present day stuff and start the EMDR. It took me a while to get into it this time. I think I was paying attention to my reactions too much. I also have a few trust issues with being so vulnerable in front of another human being. After all we are dealing with my deeper brain, inner child, baggage and shame.
The image of my parents fighting in session one was still the same. My belief that "I only deserve bad things" was there too. I asked her about this before we started as after I did my 4th and 5th step I became aware of these false beliefs and found that they were based on nothing I ever did. (then again they inspired me to do some fucked up shit as an adult).
So I start getting into the session. I am a little boy in my bed watching my parents smack each other around. It wasn't as dramatic this time. I did feel some fear. At one of the check in points my couselor asks where I am at. I said I am mad at Ginger ( my soon to be X wife) What I remember as the session progressed I was able to walk around my childhood room. I focused on my father.
My fathers been dead 22 years. I have one underexposed picture of him. He didn't like cameras. So in the session I focused on him for a while. As it went on I left my bedroom. The master bedroom was across the hall. The second target I have for EMDR was an incident where my sister had a big ugly hunting knife to my mother's neck. My sister was standing behind my mother with a crazed look as my mother said "______ CALL THE POLICE ! " I think in real life I called the police in a detached Lisa Simpson sort of way. "yeah, it's me again. yup send a car over, maybe two. My sister has my mother at knife point.."
So my counselor checks in with me. I told her I am watching this and don't know if I should go in the room. I teel her I am feeling alot of fear in my chest but am going through it. I am actually riding the beam of light from The Universe, cutting though all the shit. I sort of envisioned myself that I was in a videogame hunting down traumatic memories to dissolve with my EMDR powers. She says to go in if I want. (I was worried about our session being over in 15 minutes). At one point I become my youngest son looking at this fucked up scene. I was about his age when this shit went down. I was trying to empathize more deeply.
I look around the master bedroom with my mother at knifepoint. I see pills on the fround and my fathers gross old robe on the ground. I think in real life there was a smashed bottle of cough syrup everywhere.
As trhe session closed Mary-Ann asked me if the belief "I only deserve bad things" was still relevant. I was laughing and said my false beleif was " I only deserve crazy women". I also told her of an incident I had with a knife that occured while I was blacked out on drugs.
I left the session in a good mood again. Called my sponsor and asked him if he had any good recipies for Hooch (alcoholic drink they make in jail.) I requested an amber ale, if possible...
Went home and helped my son work on his bicycle. Afterwards I had a smoke outside and thought of my parents fighting. The image seems more ditant. Like it's a TV in a neighbors window. I have to squint mentally to see it.
Anyway, in Mary-Ann's office we talk about present day stuff and start the EMDR. It took me a while to get into it this time. I think I was paying attention to my reactions too much. I also have a few trust issues with being so vulnerable in front of another human being. After all we are dealing with my deeper brain, inner child, baggage and shame.
The image of my parents fighting in session one was still the same. My belief that "I only deserve bad things" was there too. I asked her about this before we started as after I did my 4th and 5th step I became aware of these false beliefs and found that they were based on nothing I ever did. (then again they inspired me to do some fucked up shit as an adult).
So I start getting into the session. I am a little boy in my bed watching my parents smack each other around. It wasn't as dramatic this time. I did feel some fear. At one of the check in points my couselor asks where I am at. I said I am mad at Ginger ( my soon to be X wife) What I remember as the session progressed I was able to walk around my childhood room. I focused on my father.
My fathers been dead 22 years. I have one underexposed picture of him. He didn't like cameras. So in the session I focused on him for a while. As it went on I left my bedroom. The master bedroom was across the hall. The second target I have for EMDR was an incident where my sister had a big ugly hunting knife to my mother's neck. My sister was standing behind my mother with a crazed look as my mother said "______ CALL THE POLICE ! " I think in real life I called the police in a detached Lisa Simpson sort of way. "yeah, it's me again. yup send a car over, maybe two. My sister has my mother at knife point.."
So my counselor checks in with me. I told her I am watching this and don't know if I should go in the room. I teel her I am feeling alot of fear in my chest but am going through it. I am actually riding the beam of light from The Universe, cutting though all the shit. I sort of envisioned myself that I was in a videogame hunting down traumatic memories to dissolve with my EMDR powers. She says to go in if I want. (I was worried about our session being over in 15 minutes). At one point I become my youngest son looking at this fucked up scene. I was about his age when this shit went down. I was trying to empathize more deeply.
I look around the master bedroom with my mother at knifepoint. I see pills on the fround and my fathers gross old robe on the ground. I think in real life there was a smashed bottle of cough syrup everywhere.
As trhe session closed Mary-Ann asked me if the belief "I only deserve bad things" was still relevant. I was laughing and said my false beleif was " I only deserve crazy women". I also told her of an incident I had with a knife that occured while I was blacked out on drugs.
I left the session in a good mood again. Called my sponsor and asked him if he had any good recipies for Hooch (alcoholic drink they make in jail.) I requested an amber ale, if possible...
Went home and helped my son work on his bicycle. Afterwards I had a smoke outside and thought of my parents fighting. The image seems more ditant. Like it's a TV in a neighbors window. I have to squint mentally to see it.
Session One
I had been working with Mary-Ann getting my daily coping skills on tract for about 6 months. I also had just completed a 4th and 5th step in A.A. with my sponsor who is an LADC in real life. The 4th and 5th really cleared out alot of the garbage I was concious of. In my 4th step inventory and on the advice of Mary-Ann I worte down my top 10 tramatic memories.
For the EMDR stimulation Mary-Ann is using a headphone device. A beep in each ear every seconds. Left-right-left-right. When she tried it out on me the first time I laughed and though like I was a human Pong game and saw the ball bouncing around in my brain. What was also funny is that it was like a song I recorded where the guitars are panned hard left and right. The recording had some elements of the EMDR machine.
I was a bit skeptical wondering if EMDR was the present day version of a labatomy. It also reminded me of the Simpsons when Homer gets lazer treatment on his eyes and they crust up. Maybe someday all the crap that this therapy gets rid of will slam down on me all at once and I'll dress up as a clown and start swimming in portapottys or something.
When getting ready for EMDR I chose a "safe place". If you wigg out or when you are closing down after a session you go to this mental place. I choose a spot by the water ect.. I also use the place where I did my 5th step with my sponsor.
Anyway, my first and earliest target was lying in my new "big boy bed". My parents had control issues with keeping new furniture perfect, They got me all psyched for a big boy bed. They redid my whole room and threw out the crib. My image was of them waking me up fighting and one of them being shoved into my new dresser. It knocked shit on the floor. It left me wondering why they got all this new furniture, worshipped the furniture with offerings of cleanliness, orderliness, matching wall paper and all that, but decided it would be a good idea to come into my room and smack each other around.
The false belief I chose was "I don't deserve anything good"
So Mary-Ann turns on the headphone device and the beeps start going. For me it was like turbo-meditation. Ever since my awakening I see lights in my mind. I focused on the "image" and "false belief". Before the start I was to scan my body and see how it felt. I was all jacked up on emotion from head to feet and tingling.
Before the beeping machine was turned on we discussed the target to get me warmed up. I scanned my body and there was alot of energy from my neck to my feet. All the emotions I felt during my session were very intense. I didn't feel like I was going to loose control but again it was intense. Once the session actually starts Mary-Ann would stop the beeps and ask me where I am at. I don't recall each one clearly or in exact order, but will do my best.
The first stop I said "I don't feel like doing this ... why should I have to do this"
Second stop I was feeling guilty. Here were my parents fighting in their 3-4 year old sons room and I am carrying the guilt.
Third stop "why are they doing this ?" I was in my bed watching this and actually became that part of me. There was alot of fear in my chest and neck area.
At one point I started crying and ignored the tear as it oozed down my face. At another stop I said "I want to beat my father with a baseball bat" I addded a few random swears also. At another stop I felt guilt I had for Ginger.
One time at the bottom of my using Ginger and I were both very very very drunk. We didn't have any heroin so we were in a bad space. I had gotten kicked out of a bar when I spit in some guys face who tried to break up the drama me and Ginger had going. At our friends house we continued our fight. At one point Ginger started hitting me and a slapped her across the face. The next morning she had a black eye.
Time ran out for the session and Mary-Ann started to close me down. She asked me if I wanted a visual to bring me back to the moment. She started narrating the visual. She said "picture a light coming out of the sky rom an abundant soursce..." I stopped her there because thats what I was riding during the experience. A light that is outside of space and time. It always was and aways is.
I left the session and got into my car. My sponsor had called my voicemail during the session. I told him that EMDR was really cool. First you see your parents fighting. Then you feel guilty, then you want to beat your father with a baseball bat. He asked me if I was OK to drive. I said "sure, just having a smoke.." He says "good, you're medicating". --- Bastard
Later that day I felt very clear, centered, happy and was able to detach when I saw Ginger at my sons school. Mary-Ann said I may have some dreams or insights. I really didn't. I did feel a bit drained for a day or two after. Especially at work when I had to process orders my brain felt kind of limp.
One thing I did notice was this. When I did my 4th and 5th step I wrote down my fears. One of them was "noises outside the house at night". Racoons would come to hang out with my cats and eat cat food while I am asleep. Sometimes it would wake me up. I would be angry/scared and jump up from sleep to investigate. This week I noticed that I slept fine. Also noticed a good thing. They are currently doing early morning construction near my house. The trucks backing warning beeps go off. One morning when they woke me up I laughed because the backing beeps sounded like a bunch of alarm clocks. I didn't get angry/scared. I pictured a small collection of alarm clocks in that space between sleep and awake and found it amusing. Mary-Ann said that one of the symptoms of PTSD was waking up on high alert.
To sum it up, I thought my first session was really cool.
For the EMDR stimulation Mary-Ann is using a headphone device. A beep in each ear every seconds. Left-right-left-right. When she tried it out on me the first time I laughed and though like I was a human Pong game and saw the ball bouncing around in my brain. What was also funny is that it was like a song I recorded where the guitars are panned hard left and right. The recording had some elements of the EMDR machine.
I was a bit skeptical wondering if EMDR was the present day version of a labatomy. It also reminded me of the Simpsons when Homer gets lazer treatment on his eyes and they crust up. Maybe someday all the crap that this therapy gets rid of will slam down on me all at once and I'll dress up as a clown and start swimming in portapottys or something.
When getting ready for EMDR I chose a "safe place". If you wigg out or when you are closing down after a session you go to this mental place. I choose a spot by the water ect.. I also use the place where I did my 5th step with my sponsor.
Anyway, my first and earliest target was lying in my new "big boy bed". My parents had control issues with keeping new furniture perfect, They got me all psyched for a big boy bed. They redid my whole room and threw out the crib. My image was of them waking me up fighting and one of them being shoved into my new dresser. It knocked shit on the floor. It left me wondering why they got all this new furniture, worshipped the furniture with offerings of cleanliness, orderliness, matching wall paper and all that, but decided it would be a good idea to come into my room and smack each other around.
The false belief I chose was "I don't deserve anything good"
So Mary-Ann turns on the headphone device and the beeps start going. For me it was like turbo-meditation. Ever since my awakening I see lights in my mind. I focused on the "image" and "false belief". Before the start I was to scan my body and see how it felt. I was all jacked up on emotion from head to feet and tingling.
Before the beeping machine was turned on we discussed the target to get me warmed up. I scanned my body and there was alot of energy from my neck to my feet. All the emotions I felt during my session were very intense. I didn't feel like I was going to loose control but again it was intense. Once the session actually starts Mary-Ann would stop the beeps and ask me where I am at. I don't recall each one clearly or in exact order, but will do my best.
The first stop I said "I don't feel like doing this ... why should I have to do this"
Second stop I was feeling guilty. Here were my parents fighting in their 3-4 year old sons room and I am carrying the guilt.
Third stop "why are they doing this ?" I was in my bed watching this and actually became that part of me. There was alot of fear in my chest and neck area.
At one point I started crying and ignored the tear as it oozed down my face. At another stop I said "I want to beat my father with a baseball bat" I addded a few random swears also. At another stop I felt guilt I had for Ginger.
One time at the bottom of my using Ginger and I were both very very very drunk. We didn't have any heroin so we were in a bad space. I had gotten kicked out of a bar when I spit in some guys face who tried to break up the drama me and Ginger had going. At our friends house we continued our fight. At one point Ginger started hitting me and a slapped her across the face. The next morning she had a black eye.
Time ran out for the session and Mary-Ann started to close me down. She asked me if I wanted a visual to bring me back to the moment. She started narrating the visual. She said "picture a light coming out of the sky rom an abundant soursce..." I stopped her there because thats what I was riding during the experience. A light that is outside of space and time. It always was and aways is.
I left the session and got into my car. My sponsor had called my voicemail during the session. I told him that EMDR was really cool. First you see your parents fighting. Then you feel guilty, then you want to beat your father with a baseball bat. He asked me if I was OK to drive. I said "sure, just having a smoke.." He says "good, you're medicating". --- Bastard
Later that day I felt very clear, centered, happy and was able to detach when I saw Ginger at my sons school. Mary-Ann said I may have some dreams or insights. I really didn't. I did feel a bit drained for a day or two after. Especially at work when I had to process orders my brain felt kind of limp.
One thing I did notice was this. When I did my 4th and 5th step I wrote down my fears. One of them was "noises outside the house at night". Racoons would come to hang out with my cats and eat cat food while I am asleep. Sometimes it would wake me up. I would be angry/scared and jump up from sleep to investigate. This week I noticed that I slept fine. Also noticed a good thing. They are currently doing early morning construction near my house. The trucks backing warning beeps go off. One morning when they woke me up I laughed because the backing beeps sounded like a bunch of alarm clocks. I didn't get angry/scared. I pictured a small collection of alarm clocks in that space between sleep and awake and found it amusing. Mary-Ann said that one of the symptoms of PTSD was waking up on high alert.
To sum it up, I thought my first session was really cool.
Intro
Hi
Thought it would be a good idea to post my experiences with EMDR. My counselor, I'll call her Mary-Ann, because it's dumb. I'll refer to my ex-partner as Ginger.
Please note that I write to make myself laugh so it may come across as me being immature and fruity. It's one of the sides of my self that I enjoy.
What brought me to EMDR is a long path. My story is that I was brought up in a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic who abused my sister and mother. I don't have any memories of being physically abuse but the emotional stuff is all there. I saw alot of ugly things in my house growing up. Profanity was our native language, violence was how we expressed ourselves. My parents separated and divorced when I was six so most of the heavy duty damage was done before and around this time.
Growing up my boundaries were backwards. I kept the sickness of my family and kept everybody out. I moved alot, doing the "my parents are divorced" shuffle. Because of my walls and the fact that I changed school at least once a year I never had more than one close friend until I was in my late teens and found other kids/adults who suffered from the same sort of upbringing.
Of course alcohol and drugs were my friends. I started drinking my mother's wine when I was 12 . By the time I was 23 I had to be drunk, on heroin and stoned to feel content. When I hit the bottom of my using I was unemployed, in an apt. without rent, utilities and food. I also had alot of legal trouble including felony charges. Motivated by those factors I signed into a detox, then was shipped off to a 30 day in house program. I graduated and moved into a 90 day halfway house. I worked hard at these places to stay sober and to get my demons out. I spoke in group, with counselors and at A.A. meetings.
Back in the real world I stayed sober but wasn't really happy. I was relieved that alot of my drug and material related problems went away. I had an apt. a job, material possessions, food and cats. After 2 years of sobriety I stopped going to A.A. I thought the old men were a bunch of assholes and heard too much whining.
Ginger, was an ex girlfriend and one of my best friends. While I was getting sober she got pregnant by some guy. When the baby (call him John) was about 18 months old, Ginger had a falling out with her family and needed a place for her and John to live. I was lonely and let them stay in my studio apt.
Fast Foward - Ginger and I had a son together (call him Mike). We went to college and graduated. We were both HS dropouts, we got better jobs, got married and bought a house.
Sparing the drama- the marriage starting falling apart. I hit a point where I was 2 nano-seconds for having a drink. So Iwent back to A.A. This time I took it more seriously. I did have one of the spiritual awakenings. I was quite dramatic with lights and external proof and all that. From that day I have been praying and meditating daily. Things got bad at home after that and Ginger left me with our son and my stepson.
I entered counseling with Mary-Ann.
Thought it would be a good idea to post my experiences with EMDR. My counselor, I'll call her Mary-Ann, because it's dumb. I'll refer to my ex-partner as Ginger.
Please note that I write to make myself laugh so it may come across as me being immature and fruity. It's one of the sides of my self that I enjoy.
What brought me to EMDR is a long path. My story is that I was brought up in a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic who abused my sister and mother. I don't have any memories of being physically abuse but the emotional stuff is all there. I saw alot of ugly things in my house growing up. Profanity was our native language, violence was how we expressed ourselves. My parents separated and divorced when I was six so most of the heavy duty damage was done before and around this time.
Growing up my boundaries were backwards. I kept the sickness of my family and kept everybody out. I moved alot, doing the "my parents are divorced" shuffle. Because of my walls and the fact that I changed school at least once a year I never had more than one close friend until I was in my late teens and found other kids/adults who suffered from the same sort of upbringing.
Of course alcohol and drugs were my friends. I started drinking my mother's wine when I was 12 . By the time I was 23 I had to be drunk, on heroin and stoned to feel content. When I hit the bottom of my using I was unemployed, in an apt. without rent, utilities and food. I also had alot of legal trouble including felony charges. Motivated by those factors I signed into a detox, then was shipped off to a 30 day in house program. I graduated and moved into a 90 day halfway house. I worked hard at these places to stay sober and to get my demons out. I spoke in group, with counselors and at A.A. meetings.
Back in the real world I stayed sober but wasn't really happy. I was relieved that alot of my drug and material related problems went away. I had an apt. a job, material possessions, food and cats. After 2 years of sobriety I stopped going to A.A. I thought the old men were a bunch of assholes and heard too much whining.
Ginger, was an ex girlfriend and one of my best friends. While I was getting sober she got pregnant by some guy. When the baby (call him John) was about 18 months old, Ginger had a falling out with her family and needed a place for her and John to live. I was lonely and let them stay in my studio apt.
Fast Foward - Ginger and I had a son together (call him Mike). We went to college and graduated. We were both HS dropouts, we got better jobs, got married and bought a house.
Sparing the drama- the marriage starting falling apart. I hit a point where I was 2 nano-seconds for having a drink. So Iwent back to A.A. This time I took it more seriously. I did have one of the spiritual awakenings. I was quite dramatic with lights and external proof and all that. From that day I have been praying and meditating daily. Things got bad at home after that and Ginger left me with our son and my stepson.
I entered counseling with Mary-Ann.
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