Session One

I had been working with Mary-Ann getting my daily coping skills on tract for about 6 months. I also had just completed a 4th and 5th step in A.A. with my sponsor who is an LADC in real life. The 4th and 5th really cleared out alot of the garbage I was concious of. In my 4th step inventory and on the advice of Mary-Ann I worte down my top 10 tramatic memories.

For the EMDR stimulation Mary-Ann is using a headphone device. A beep in each ear every seconds. Left-right-left-right. When she tried it out on me the first time I laughed and though like I was a human Pong game and saw the ball bouncing around in my brain. What was also funny is that it was like a song I recorded where the guitars are panned hard left and right. The recording had some elements of the EMDR machine.

I was a bit skeptical wondering if EMDR was the present day version of a labatomy. It also reminded me of the Simpsons when Homer gets lazer treatment on his eyes and they crust up. Maybe someday all the crap that this therapy gets rid of will slam down on me all at once and I'll dress up as a clown and start swimming in portapottys or something.

When getting ready for EMDR I chose a "safe place". If you wigg out or when you are closing down after a session you go to this mental place. I choose a spot by the water ect.. I also use the place where I did my 5th step with my sponsor.

Anyway, my first and earliest target was lying in my new "big boy bed". My parents had control issues with keeping new furniture perfect, They got me all psyched for a big boy bed. They redid my whole room and threw out the crib. My image was of them waking me up fighting and one of them being shoved into my new dresser. It knocked shit on the floor. It left me wondering why they got all this new furniture, worshipped the furniture with offerings of cleanliness, orderliness, matching wall paper and all that, but decided it would be a good idea to come into my room and smack each other around.

The false belief I chose was "I don't deserve anything good"

So Mary-Ann turns on the headphone device and the beeps start going. For me it was like turbo-meditation. Ever since my awakening I see lights in my mind. I focused on the "image" and "false belief". Before the start I was to scan my body and see how it felt. I was all jacked up on emotion from head to feet and tingling.

Before the beeping machine was turned on we discussed the target to get me warmed up. I scanned my body and there was alot of energy from my neck to my feet. All the emotions I felt during my session were very intense. I didn't feel like I was going to loose control but again it was intense. Once the session actually starts Mary-Ann would stop the beeps and ask me where I am at. I don't recall each one clearly or in exact order, but will do my best.

The first stop I said "I don't feel like doing this ... why should I have to do this"

Second stop I was feeling guilty. Here were my parents fighting in their 3-4 year old sons room and I am carrying the guilt.

Third stop "why are they doing this ?" I was in my bed watching this and actually became that part of me. There was alot of fear in my chest and neck area.

At one point I started crying and ignored the tear as it oozed down my face. At another stop I said "I want to beat my father with a baseball bat" I addded a few random swears also. At another stop I felt guilt I had for Ginger.

One time at the bottom of my using Ginger and I were both very very very drunk. We didn't have any heroin so we were in a bad space. I had gotten kicked out of a bar when I spit in some guys face who tried to break up the drama me and Ginger had going. At our friends house we continued our fight. At one point Ginger started hitting me and a slapped her across the face. The next morning she had a black eye.

Time ran out for the session and Mary-Ann started to close me down. She asked me if I wanted a visual to bring me back to the moment. She started narrating the visual. She said "picture a light coming out of the sky rom an abundant soursce..." I stopped her there because thats what I was riding during the experience. A light that is outside of space and time. It always was and aways is.

I left the session and got into my car. My sponsor had called my voicemail during the session. I told him that EMDR was really cool. First you see your parents fighting. Then you feel guilty, then you want to beat your father with a baseball bat. He asked me if I was OK to drive. I said "sure, just having a smoke.." He says "good, you're medicating". --- Bastard

Later that day I felt very clear, centered, happy and was able to detach when I saw Ginger at my sons school. Mary-Ann said I may have some dreams or insights. I really didn't. I did feel a bit drained for a day or two after. Especially at work when I had to process orders my brain felt kind of limp.

One thing I did notice was this. When I did my 4th and 5th step I wrote down my fears. One of them was "noises outside the house at night". Racoons would come to hang out with my cats and eat cat food while I am asleep. Sometimes it would wake me up. I would be angry/scared and jump up from sleep to investigate. This week I noticed that I slept fine. Also noticed a good thing. They are currently doing early morning construction near my house. The trucks backing warning beeps go off. One morning when they woke me up I laughed because the backing beeps sounded like a bunch of alarm clocks. I didn't get angry/scared. I pictured a small collection of alarm clocks in that space between sleep and awake and found it amusing. Mary-Ann said that one of the symptoms of PTSD was waking up on high alert.

To sum it up, I thought my first session was really cool.